Expiration Date: First of Whenever

Do all relationships have a shelf life, an expiration date?

I had intended to write about how I knew the day would come when I would fall off the blogging wagon and my posts would become fewer and farther apart, but that's boring. Instead, I'll just say: Blogging is difficult for me. While I want to do it and there are times when it's been an outlet for various emotions, it's still difficult keeping it up!

So, for now, I'm changing gears from where I started and simply want to know: Do you think all relationships have an expiration date?

Lately, I've been very conflicted. Maybe this is a normal phase "post-divorce", but I'm finding myself vacillating between loving that I have my independence and feeling sorry for myself that I don't have someone special in my life. Deep down, I know that neither feeling is entirely true and neither situation (complete freedom vs. absolute alone-ness) is really true. I'm not truly independent. I have responsibilities to my children and my work, to life in general, that keep me grounded. I'm not entirely alone (in the romantic sense). I've been dating a man for a few months now and it's going fairly well. We see each other semi-regularly and I believe he likes me.

Now, for the meat. There's a large part of me that just doesn't see this relationship-like thing I'm engaging in turning into anything more than a date or two every week or two. Maybe that's because I don't know how to date and have that dating turn into a relationship (that isn't marriage) and how the timing works and am I just being hasty or jumping to conclusions because I'm impatient or (odd as it sounds) naive? If you remember, I dated my ex-husband for a mere three weeks before we were sprinting down the aisle and then I was married for 13 years - many of those years are years that most people take getting to know themselves and.... DATING! So, I really don't know what I'm doing.

 And the potatoes... I really don't know if I want to be in a committed relationship. Oh sure, I want the lovely parts of a relationship - going to dinner, good night calls and good morning messages, someone to cuddle up with and watch a movie, someone to talk to and make me feel less alone. It's the other stuff I don't want. I don't want to owe any explanations. I don't want to feel guilty if I see a good looking guy and want to flirt and/or go on a date, etc. etc.

Yep. I want my cake and eat it, too.

The solution seems simple. Don't lead anyone on to believe I am offering more than I am. Don't create some pseudo-relationship so that I feel comfortable not being "alone" while still maintaining my autonomy. (I would say there are two options here - the other being to discuss with S___ where our relationship is going and see how he feels; however, I'm trying to learn not to be pushy and I do feel like it's too early yet to have that particular conversation [Ok, I don't really feel like it's too early; I don't want to be the one to bring it up...].)

And this brings me back to my original question. I wonder if I am feeling like it's possible that all relationships are doomed to failure because my marriage failed and the one relationship I've had since also failed. Top that off with nearly every man I've met seeming terrified/unwilling to commit himself to anything long-term or even short-term but monogamous and it starts to seem feasible.

The bottom line is that I want to see into the future and know my future. Is this new relationship worth sticking with because sometimes love grows slowly and we still need time? Or will it end in the near future (or turn out to be not a relationship at all) and it's not worth continuing even now? Does every scenario end with me being alone because I'm too terrified to trust someone completely (again) and I'm too selfish now to give myself to someone completely (again)? Do I just need to hold out for that real fairy tale romance that knocks me off my feet? I don't know but I want to know. Desperately. Waiting is torture. Not knowing is torture. Feeling uncertain about everything is tiring and I'm so very unsure.

I've Given Up on Being Brief

Le sigh… To all my devoted readers out there (har har), I apologize. The thing I feared most when starting this blog, has happened. I’m stumped. I’m not burnt out on writing but I’ve hit a roadblock. When I began, I knew that writing this would be difficult. It’s not fiction; these are real, huge events in my life that have monumentally impacted not just me, but many others. I want to do justice to those events and the people involved and want to relay my experiences accurately. But, I also want to present things in a way that might somehow help others. I could rant for weeks about injustices I feel have been done to me or cry for days about ways I feel I’ve been hurt. But, ultimately, that serves no purpose and everyone will come out feeling worse for wear. And that is the last thing I want.

The other problem I’m having is feeling like I can write about what’s happened without sounding like I’m just casting blame at the feet of another. Anyone who has experienced similar things (emotional and physical abuse, manipulation, depression, adultery, and all the other things that go hand-in-hand with those actions and feelings) can relate to the thoughts I’m having: I sound like I’m complaining. I sound like I have a “poor me” attitude. What room do I have to talk when others have much more difficult trials to deal with in their lives? I’m just being petulant and moody… The list goes on.

Deep in my heart, I know these thoughts are caused by my own self-doubt. I feel so much remorse (and guilt) for ways that I feel I have failed as a wife, mother, daughter, sister and friend. I am trying to do better every day, especially for my children who make me laugh and feel loved and needed every second of my life. There have been things, though, that were out of my hands. And those things are what I’d really like to talk about because dealing with those things and the thoughts and feelings that develop as a result, are the most difficult to get through. You can (and should) quietly and successfully work on yourself and your habits and actions to be a positive, loving influence in the lives of those around you. But, how do you cope with the defeating actions of others that impact your life, especially when it’s someone that you deeply love?

So, let me lay a couple things out and maybe that will help us (me) move forward:

1.       If you are experiencing abuse at the hands of someone you love, no matter how alone you may feel, you are not. Even if it’s not an immediate comfort, there are others who understand. There are others who have thought the exact same thoughts you’re thinking. The suffering you are being subjected to is not right and it does not make you weak, petulant, incapable, a failure or disloyal to say you’re in pain, you’re being hurt, you’re being manipulated, etc. We learn very quickly to justify what happens (especially in our marriage) and it becomes habit to think and say that we don’t mind what the other person is doing. After all, we love them and when you love someone, you stand beside them no matter what, for better or worse. BUT, being able to justify something doesn’t equate to making that thing right. And vowing to love, honor and cherish someone till death do you part does not make you a punching bag or a doormat. It doesn’t. Bottom line.

(Just a side note here because the feelings the above paragraph stirred in my while I was writing were very interesting: I felt a little anxious and sad, guilty and very near to crying. The realizations I’ve had in the last few years are still not enough to keep the doubt from my mind all the time. I still have more moments than I’d like to admit when I think to myself that I just gave up. I quit. I didn’t work hard enough to make things work. I could have done more. I should have done more. Did I do the right thing? It is unimaginably difficult to not fall victim to old habits and feelings. Even though I realize I did do the right thing and I’ve personally come so far in recent years, I was really caught off guard by the sadness I felt thinking about the vows we make and what happens when those vows are irreparably broken.)

2.       If you’ve stumbled onto this blog or maybe it was even recommended to you and you are in one of the truly great marriages out there, I am sincerely happy for you beyond words! I know they exist and I pray every day that I’ll have the opportunity to experience it for myself. I hope that if you’ve been interested enough to read this far, there is something of value for you to gain from the things I’m sharing. I ask only that you realize, as I said earlier, this is very difficult for me to write about. Whether or not you can sympathize or empathize with the things I’ve gone through, please respect that these are my personal feelings and they are very real to me. You may not agree with the things I’ve said or will say in the future, you may not agree with my choices. I’ll never ask that you do because I’m not writing to gain the approval of others or validation for my actions. My first post talks about my purposes for writing; I’m hoping it will be personally therapeutic and I hope that others will take away something positive.

I think that’s about it for now. My best attempts at brevity are often overthrown by my inability to just get to the point! So, thank you for hanging in there and here’s to hoping that unloading this post will open the door to get to the meat of the matter. Stay tuned!