Le sigh… To all my devoted readers out there (har har), I apologize.
The thing I feared most when starting this blog, has happened. I’m stumped. I’m
not burnt out on writing but I’ve hit a roadblock. When I began, I knew that
writing this would be difficult. It’s not fiction; these are real, huge events
in my life that have monumentally impacted not just me, but many others. I want
to do justice to those events and the people involved and want to relay my
experiences accurately. But, I also want to present things in a way that might
somehow help others. I could rant for weeks about injustices I feel have been
done to me or cry for days about ways I feel I’ve been hurt. But, ultimately,
that serves no purpose and everyone will come out feeling worse for wear. And
that is the last thing I want.
The other problem I’m having is feeling like I can write about what’s
happened without sounding like I’m just casting blame at the feet of another.
Anyone who has experienced similar things (emotional and physical abuse,
manipulation, depression, adultery, and all the other things that go
hand-in-hand with those actions and feelings) can relate to the thoughts I’m
having: I sound like I’m complaining. I sound like I have a “poor me” attitude.
What room do I have to talk when others have much more difficult trials to deal
with in their lives? I’m just being petulant and moody… The list goes on.
Deep in my heart, I know these thoughts are caused by my own self-doubt.
I feel so much remorse (and guilt) for ways that I feel I have failed as a
wife, mother, daughter, sister and friend. I am trying to do better every day, especially for my children who
make me laugh and feel loved and needed every second of my life. There have
been things, though, that were out of my hands. And those things are what I’d
really like to talk about because dealing with those things and the thoughts
and feelings that develop as a result, are the most difficult to get through.
You can (and should) quietly and successfully work on yourself and your habits
and actions to be a positive, loving influence in the lives of those around
you. But, how do you cope with the defeating actions of others that impact your
life, especially when it’s someone that you deeply
love?
So, let me lay a couple things out and maybe that will help us (me) move
forward:
1.
If you are experiencing abuse at the hands of someone
you love, no matter how alone you may feel, you are not. Even if it’s not an
immediate comfort, there are others who understand. There are others who have
thought the exact same thoughts you’re thinking. The suffering you are being
subjected to is not right and it does not make you weak, petulant, incapable, a
failure or disloyal to say you’re in pain, you’re being hurt, you’re being
manipulated, etc. We learn very quickly to justify what happens (especially in
our marriage) and it becomes habit to think and say that we don’t mind what the
other person is doing. After all, we love them and when you love someone, you
stand beside them no matter what, for better or worse. BUT, being able to
justify something doesn’t equate to making that thing right. And vowing to
love, honor and cherish someone till death do you part does not make you a
punching bag or a doormat. It doesn’t. Bottom line.
(Just a side note
here because the feelings the above paragraph stirred in my while I was writing
were very interesting: I felt a little anxious and sad, guilty and very near to
crying. The realizations I’ve had in the last few years are still not enough to
keep the doubt from my mind all the time. I still have more moments than I’d
like to admit when I think to myself that I just gave up. I quit. I didn’t work
hard enough to make things work. I could have done more. I should have done
more. Did I do the right thing? It is
unimaginably difficult to not fall victim to old habits and feelings. Even
though I realize I did do the right thing and I’ve personally come so far in
recent years, I was really caught off guard by the sadness I felt thinking
about the vows we make and what happens when those vows are irreparably
broken.)
2.
If you’ve stumbled onto this blog or maybe it
was even recommended to you and you are in one of the truly great marriages out
there, I am sincerely happy for you beyond words! I know they exist and I pray
every day that I’ll have the opportunity to experience it for myself. I hope
that if you’ve been interested enough to read this far, there is something of
value for you to gain from the things I’m sharing. I ask only that you realize,
as I said earlier, this is very difficult for me to write about. Whether or not
you can sympathize or empathize with the things I’ve gone through, please
respect that these are my personal feelings and they are very real to me. You
may not agree with the things I’ve said or will say in the future, you may not
agree with my choices. I’ll never ask that you do because I’m not writing to
gain the approval of others or validation for my actions. My first post talks
about my purposes for writing; I’m hoping it will be personally therapeutic and
I hope that others will take away something positive.
I think that’s about it for now. My best attempts at brevity are often
overthrown by my inability to just get to the point! So, thank you for hanging
in there and here’s to hoping that unloading this post will open the door to
get to the meat of the matter. Stay tuned!
