Do all relationships have a shelf life, an expiration date?
I had intended to write about how I knew the day would come when I would fall off the blogging wagon and my posts would become fewer and farther apart, but that's boring. Instead, I'll just say: Blogging is difficult for me. While I want to do it and there are times when it's been an outlet for various emotions, it's still difficult keeping it up!
So, for now, I'm changing gears from where I started and simply want to know: Do you think all relationships have an expiration date?
Lately, I've been very conflicted. Maybe this is a normal phase "post-divorce", but I'm finding myself vacillating between loving that I have my independence and feeling sorry for myself that I don't have someone special in my life. Deep down, I know that neither feeling is entirely true and neither situation (complete freedom vs. absolute alone-ness) is really true. I'm not truly independent. I have responsibilities to my children and my work, to life in general, that keep me grounded. I'm not entirely alone (in the romantic sense). I've been dating a man for a few months now and it's going fairly well. We see each other semi-regularly and I believe he likes me.
Now, for the meat. There's a large part of me that just doesn't see this relationship-like thing I'm engaging in turning into anything more than a date or two every week or two. Maybe that's because I don't know how to date and have that dating turn into a relationship (that isn't marriage) and how the timing works and am I just being hasty or jumping to conclusions because I'm impatient or (odd as it sounds) naive? If you remember, I dated my ex-husband for a mere three weeks before we were sprinting down the aisle and then I was married for 13 years - many of those years are years that most people take getting to know themselves and.... DATING! So, I really don't know what I'm doing.
And the potatoes... I really don't know if I want to be in a committed relationship. Oh sure, I want the lovely parts of a relationship - going to dinner, good night calls and good morning messages, someone to cuddle up with and watch a movie, someone to talk to and make me feel less alone. It's the other stuff I don't want. I don't want to owe any explanations. I don't want to feel guilty if I see a good looking guy and want to flirt and/or go on a date, etc. etc.
Yep. I want my cake and eat it, too.
The solution seems simple. Don't lead anyone on to believe I am offering more than I am. Don't create some pseudo-relationship so that I feel comfortable not being "alone" while still maintaining my autonomy. (I would say there are two options here - the other being to discuss with S___ where our relationship is going and see how he feels; however, I'm trying to learn not to be pushy and I do feel like it's too early yet to have that particular conversation [Ok, I don't really feel like it's too early; I don't want to be the one to bring it up...].)
And this brings me back to my original question. I wonder if I am feeling like it's possible that all relationships are doomed to failure because my marriage failed and the one relationship I've had since also failed. Top that off with nearly every man I've met seeming terrified/unwilling to commit himself to anything long-term or even short-term but monogamous and it starts to seem feasible.
The bottom line is that I want to see into the future and know my future. Is this new relationship worth sticking with because sometimes love grows slowly and we still need time? Or will it end in the near future (or turn out to be not a relationship at all) and it's not worth continuing even now? Does every scenario end with me being alone because I'm too terrified to trust someone completely (again) and I'm too selfish now to give myself to someone completely (again)? Do I just need to hold out for that real fairy tale romance that knocks me off my feet? I don't know but I want to know. Desperately. Waiting is torture. Not knowing is torture. Feeling uncertain about everything is tiring and I'm so very unsure.
